I must….

Obese – That word, such dread.  What did I do to deserve this?  I feel ridiculed by just the connotation of it.  What can be worse than to be labeled.  When one thinks of obese people, one never thinks it’s reversible.  No, it’s a “condition”, one that lasts for a lifetime.

How many times must I start a new exercise program, a new diet, and a new “way of life?” before I become me again.

When I look at magazines and see the me I want to be again, it excites me.  Yes, I can wear that racerback after-workout dress that makes that model’s legs look so thin.  I can go to the gym for an hour a day five days a week, sweat and purify myself.  I can walk slowly up the stairs, do my workout, and then bounce back down, full of confidence, charm, and charisma.  I can even play a vigorous sport.  And before I know it, the energy I produce from all this exercise will break the blood-brain barrier, and I will think faster, be a true conversationalist, and even be impressive.  When all is said and done, I will even be able to write that novel, publish it, and people will read what came from my head.

I can, I will….

I must.


4 thoughts on “I must….

  1. don’t know how to put into words what i have in my mind but nonetheless, they are swirling there day and night. have this picture of a place in my mind that i have never been to-that i know of and i cannot find it anywhere online or even know exactly where to look for it. also have a picture of a house, always have that i can’t find anywhere either. there is a kitchen that is my dream kitchen but again, can’t find it anywhere either. don’t know if this is a repressed memory of a different life or if it is visions of a life to come and i need to go and find it. sometimes just want to get away and find the answers yet am afraid of what those answers are. had a deep seeded yearning to move to Texas when I was young and on a train trip as an adult to Kentucky and back to California it became even stronger. that move resulted in two hearts uniting in marriage and a birth of a beautiful baby boy who is the pride and joy for my cousin and her husband. but for me, i moved back to Cali which I don’t regret but just don’t know where life is going from here and if I’m supposed to figure it out or just let it play out and see what happens. everyday i am checking real estate in another state looking for something and i am not even sure what i am looking for or why i am looking. don’t know if this is something i am supposed to do or if it is just merely a diversion from my own life and reality that i can’t or don’t want to cope with. is the rest of my life waiting for me somewhere other than where i am? or am i just going crazy? i haven’t the slightest idea of how to put such a move together if that is what i wanted to do. perhaps the answer is that i am simply going crazy and just want an escape from my life by envisioning a different one in a different location. if only i had the guts to find out.

    • K-J,
      Thank you for your very profound reply to my post. It seems really difficult to me putting my true thoughts out there and feeling so vulnerable. For that reason I really appreciate what you just wrote.
      I can not really speak to what these dreams of yours truly mean, but I can tell you that from my experience I have had dreams like yours that seemed either like memories or predictions, they were that strong and felt so real that I could just close my eyes and see them at any time. They were like visions. But in fact they didn’t come true. I really think that in my case they were neither memories nor predictions, but just desires of my heart, borne out of a heart that didn’t know its true place in the world. That is key for me. Not knowing. I believe we really don’t know what we are meant to do until we do it.
      Moving to Texas was such a brave, silly, and wonderful thing for both of us. We both grew tremendously out of it. And as you said, I am now married and have a son, two of the biggest dreams in my life that did come true, though definitely not as I had envisioned (1800 miles away from family and so late in life).
      My gut feeling says that those visions/dreams of yours are a combination of your intuition telling you which way to go (sort of a divine guidance) and a bit of craziness (in the sense that you hold onto them maybe a little bit tightly). There is no way for you to know exactly what and where you should be. My advice to you is to follow where your spirit is leading you but to leave the exact details (the exact kitchen and house) behind so that you can have an open heart to embrace what is coming. There is always more coming, but you have to be open to it.
      Love you Cousin…Besos

  2. Thanks Lala,
    your post really helps. i sometimes feel like i want to go on a spiritual journey to find out what my heart is telling me and get a new perspective on life but though that may be the case my life or least the direction my life is going is keeping me here least for now.

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